If you’re a real American born between 1867 and 2009, you spent your childhood watching straight-to-video Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen movies. As a young child you probably started with their intriguing musical mysteries. As the plot thickened, the music always quickened.

But then as an angsty tween, you quickly moved onto their more dramatic love stories. You found yourself swept into their tales of a mostly motherless adolescence plagued by adventure after adventure. While you struggled to pass pre-algebra, they struggled to solve crimes and overcome their twin-ifferences.  Oh how I envied their lives and their dads on billboards, their Model UN conferences and their holidays in the sun.

Their movies represented the American dream and that’s perhaps why I still find myself spending hours looking for clips of them on Youtube. If I could just see one more musical montage of them riding mopeds in Europe, I could figure out my life. I could understand how I got to where I am now.

Or maybe I could just stalk all their boyfriends from their movies, figure out which one is the most eligible and marry him. I think we all remember how absolutely adorable those boys were in the films (and how conveniently MK & A never fell for the same one) and I’m sure one’s ready to settle down with a blogger.

Find out what happened to them right here

Today is Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s 26th birthday. I would say Happy Birthday to them, but I can’t muster up the strength to care. Not after everything they put me through during my childhood. You see, I used to love them. I poured my heart and soul and allowance into my obsession. And now, years after I paid for New York Minute and dragged an innocent friend to see it with me in theaters, I’m just starting to work on forgiving them for their betrayal.

Read the rest of this epic essay right here